Recounting the night he spent in London, sipping champagne and munching popcorn with a beautiful classical actress.
In Bill Bryson's best-selling account of his travels around Britain,
Notes from a Small Island, the American-born author recalls a bizarre introduction to England when he was confronted by a British institution: the landlady from hell, a certain Mrs Smegma.
Bryson condemned Mrs Smegma - "a formidable lady of middle years", for running her guest house in the south coast port of Dover along the lines of a boys' reform school. Visitors were subjected to all kinds of petty rules and regulations that totally baffled the writer.
One such regulation was to demand advance notice of incoming phone calls. Bryson got his revenge by flouting Mrs Smegma's rule book at every opportunity.
I had Mrs Smegma on my mind when a landlady - who shall remain nameless for reasons I'll explain later - opened the door of her terraced, six-bedroom South West London home.
The landlady smiled. She offered to help with my luggage. She offered me tea. She all but laid her coat on the ground and invited me to walk over it on the way to my room. I liked her a lot.
What I didn't know at the time was that this landlady was greeting only her second paying guest, and I was being used as a practice run for her venture into London's cottage hospitality industry. "I'm still learning to be a landlady," she confided, bringing soap and tissues to my room, overlooking a small but private garden.
Neither did I did know that the landlady was the former wife of a well-known actor, and she was herself a household name after lead appearances in a hit British historical TV series (Poldark, set in Cornwall) and a number of Shakespearean plays in London's West End.
I had been sent to Albert Bridge Road, a few hundred metres across the River Thames from Chelsea's fashionable King's Road, by Uptown Reservations, a company which specialises in upmarket bed and breakfast accommodation.
Uptown's portfolio comprises approximately 65 private host homes, each of which has been carefully vetted before selection. All are located in the most fashionable parts of London, primarily Knightsbridge, Belgravia, Kensington and Chelsea.
Hosts include an American poet, several prominent actresses, a well-known dress designer, three titled people, an antique dealer, a retired naval captain and an ex Playboy Bunny girl. As well as the lady who now appeared before me to enquire whether I was happy with my room.
Says Uptown director Keith Stables: "Our philosophy is to concentrate on the fashionable areas of inner London. For many people, the closer they are to Harrods the better."
Uptown's private host accommodation offers several advantages, says Staples. Homes are in areas in which it is still safe to walk at night, and where visitors find a more personal environment than in a standard hotel.
"There is also a much more secure environment for women travellers - the ratio of women to men guests never falls below 55 per cent and can rise as high as 65 per cent."
"And for overseas visitors there is the chance both to receive good, local advice on shopping, theatre and transport, and to learn a little more about the English way of life."
Uptown has a common tariff for all its properties: around £72 per night single, and £95 per night double or twin. There are also family tariffs so check for latest prices.
The large Edwardian home opposite Battersea Park where I spent the night is a brisk 12-minute walk from South Kensington underground station, and closer still to some of London's trendiest shopping and eating establishments. It is minutes from the riverside walk being planned for the length of the Thames.
It offers the comforts of a much-loved home, and the bonus of being fussed over by its extremely friendly owner.
"I've always loved company, I enjoy meeting people, so this is really not such a new experience," she offered. "But, please, I'd prefer it if you didn't mention my name. I wouldn't like people coming here for the wrong reasons," she pleaded.
As a paying guest in someone's home, it is impossible not to become something of a voyeur. Unless you go around with your eyes closed, it is difficult not to avoid the artwork, the books and photographs.
In this case, there were leather bound volumes of Shakespeare's works in the hall, paperback books of Shakespearean quotations in the living room, and a mixture of classic literature and spicy novels in the bedroom.
In the toilet, there was a photograph of the actress - in period costume - being introduced to Prince Charles. Alongside it, a strip cartoon showed two theatre critics discussing a play. While both were confused by the message of the play, both men - one of whom may have been called Roger - agreed on what they would like to do to its star, my landlady.
Later, I accepted an offer to share a bottle of champagne ("It's from New Zealand, everybody in London is drinking it"). We sat on a wooden bench early evening in the small, sunlit back garden while the actress-landlady explained that with an ex-husband living in Los Angeles, she was hoping to pay the bills by inviting paying guests into her home.
"You never quite know who will be standing at the front door, but the agency I use is pretty good as selecting suitable people," she explained.
Later, we went to 'the flicks' in Kings Road, where we munched popcorn and swigged Coke. On the way, we dashed through Chelsea's back streets, where she pointed out the significant homes, like the one in Cheyne Walk once lived in by the Scottish historian and writer, Thomas Carlyle.
In the morning, she provided fresh cherries, yoghurt and croissants for breakfast, then hailed a taxi and helped me load my luggage.
A final wave and I was on my way, taking with me a new respect for English landladies.
Uptown's Stables says that a good bed and breakfast experience must incorporate several elements. "We feel that a centrally located home, which eliminates all the problems of commuting to the suburbs, is essential.
"Equally, the quality of the home itself, and particularly the bedroom and bathroom, are extremely important. But possibly most critical of all is the atmosphere within the home, the warmth of the reception provided by the host, and the chemistry that develops between the host and guest."
Move over Mrs Smegma. There's a new breed of landlady out there.
Uptown Reservations:8 Kelso Place, Kensington, London W8 5QD
Telephone: +44(0)20 7937 2001: Fax: +44(0)20 7937 6660
E-mail: inquiries@uptownres.co.uk
Website:
www.uptownres.co.uk
www.thetransitcafe.com
IAN JARRETT is based in Fremantle, Western Australia from where he travels frequently in Asia on assignments for travel magazines.
He is a member of the BamBoo Alliance, a group of leading travel writers in the region. He can be contacted at ianjarrett@mac.com