Heed these totally handy tips on how to ruin your summer holiday; in other words do the complete opposite.

1. Forget your passport
“Darling, have you got the passports?” “I thought you had them?” Realising that you are passport-less, preferably while you are stuck in traffic on the M25, gets the holiday off to a flier. YOU are to blame. YOU have ruined everything. While you don’t actually need a passport for domestic flights with British Airways, US immigration officials won’t accept your Tesco Clubcard as valid ID.

2. Cut it fine’
“Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty of time!” You haven’t. You’re late. You’re other half was right: it is better to kill five hours at the airport than use your holidays to learn the hard lessons of time management. For added excitement, ensure that your journey to the airport includes border crossings, out-of-date timetables, unlicensed taxi drivers…  Even better, celebrate getting to the airport just in time by getting drunk, and miss your flight.

3. Get very drunk…
and become abusive to fellow passengers on the plane/have your passport confiscated/nick a policeman’s helmet. At the risk of coming across as a killjoy, downing 11 bottles of San Miguel and 16 shots of Sambuca should only be done in the safety of one’s own home, not on a night out in Magaluf. Even if you’re 17. Youth is no excuse. You’re old enough to know better. At the very best you’ll make an utter fool of yourself.

4. Believe the hype
Do your research! Even if your proposed hotel in the Maldives says it’s wonderful on its website, check TripAdvisor etc. The ‘artist’s impression’ of your hotel ‘as it will look like when it opens this summer’ doesn’t show the building site next door, the barbed wire and the sign on the beach advising: ‘beware of the sharks/jellyfish/pirates’.

5. Assume that the weather is always lovely
Check those climate charts. You may be getting a great deal by going to a Caribbean island in September, but you’re not going to get a tan in a hurricane. Likewise, renting a trailer in Tornado Alley in May could be a risky strategy for keeping down the cost of your accommodation.

6. Disrespect local customs
Acting like a typical ‘Brit abroad’ will doubtless endear you to the locals. Behaviour that may be acceptable on a Saturday night out in Chelmsford may not be so in Singapore. If you’re arrested, plead ignorance. “Awfully sorry officer, I didn’t realise it was illegal to openly take drugs/have sex in public. Dubai? What? This isn’t Ibiza?”

7. Make jokes with airport staff
Test the humour threshold of airport security officials with quips about what you’ve got in your bag, be it 1000 pounds of semtex, 135 endangered frogs, or a body.  It is unlikely that they’ll be amused. Likewise don’t joke that you’ve got a bomb in your bag to an air steward – unless you fancy a stay in Guantanamo Bay.

8. Smuggle drugs
Tempted to take home a little souvenir from Thailand? Swallowing 10kg of heroin isn’t good for anyone, in any circumstances. Even it does have a street value of £5 million. Indulging in the local produce, if it’s against the law, obviously carries a risk of getting you in trouble. We don’t need to tell you that.

9. Don’t buy travel insurance
There are a number of ways in which apparently saving a few quid on travel insurance can backfire, at various levels of seriousness. Losing your bags in transit is a disaster, but not being able to afford to repatriate your body after that fatal bungee jumping accident is a minor inconvenience.

10. Leave your children behind
Obviously you wouldn’t leave Charlie and Lola at home if they are aged six and eight. But if we’re talking teenagers, the statement ‘of course we won’t have a party’ translates as ‘we’re expecting 150’. Enjoy your holiday.

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